Almost nothing will put the fear of god into you like the police. Police with attack dogs. The canine unit. The woof. The gnashing incisors that will wring your neck out dry before you’ve even had your Miranda Rights. Breakfast. Treat. An eviscerated trachea. Good boy.
It was at this moment – buried underneath my tomb of damp foliage, trapped in the obsidian midnight between Sparky, Spot, and my incriminating company of mouth-breathers – that I found god.
At age 16 I was ready to tell him all my sins.
Continue reading “Confessions: On Religion”
Starting in January of 2018, restaurant workers who rely on tips – e.g. servers, bartenders, hosts, and bussers – will be able to pay for day-to-day expenses using the compliments they receive for their service in lieu of actual money.
Continue reading “Restaurant workers legally allowed to pay for rent and groceries with compliments”
A burst of microaggressions shattered what would regularly be an uneventful night at the Masquerade Bar in Capitol Hill last Friday, and ended in what Monterey Sheriff Adam Brody is calling “a miracle.”
Continue reading “Zero fatalities and 14 offended in microaggresion “miracle” standoff with local police”
In the wake of the Godzilla 1999 disaster – the one relevant to my own life, not the one at the Hollywood box office – I soon developed rudimentary knowledge of the self. Although I was born quite cognizant of my superiority and eventual aspirations in this world, I think it took an excruciatingly extensive time out before I began questioning my existence within the context of other people.
Therefore, at the age of six, I took the next logical step in my metaphysical development, and found a love of country.
Continue reading “Confessions: The American Dream”
One of the earliest childhood concepts that parents tend to establish is the idea of ownership. As in that toy is mine. And that one. And that one. As in what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.
As in I never really took to this lesson. As in I’m a hard learner.
Continue reading “Confessions: Sharing”
Jonny Wallace might have been the game-winning quarterback at Northwest Catholic’s Homecoming game against Bowerton this Friday with three touchdowns, 491 yards passing, and 210 yards rushing, but the Cornhuskers are crediting a different Wallace with the win.
Mike Wallace, Jonny’s father, has been to every single game in Jonny’s career, and of those 274 games, Mike has been ejected from 229.
Continue reading “Third string QB Wallace wins on homecoming night after parent’s berating is finally heard”
Stacey Abernathy, a sophomore at Chapel Summit College of Liberal Arts, won the lawsuit against her logic professor, Dr. Michael Michaelson, after campus officials accepted his resignation and agreed to meet her demands this afternoon.
Continue reading “College student wins campus lawsuit – continues to complain”