Almost nothing will put the fear of god into you like the police. Police with attack dogs. The canine unit. The woof. The snapping jaws of death that will wring your neck out dry before you’ve even had your Miranda Rights. Breakfast. Treat. An eviscerated trachea. Good boy. Dinner.
Buried underneath as much foliage was available in the company of two horrendous mouth-breathers, watching the infinite loop of police sirens from a distance, the dogs inching closer, I found god.
At age 16 I was ready to tell him all my sins.
Continue reading “Confessions: On Religion”
Starting in January of 2018, restaurant workers who rely on tips – e.g. servers, bartenders, hosts, and bussers – will be able to pay for day-to-day expenses using the compliments they receive for their service in lieu of actual money.
Continue reading “Restaurant workers legally allowed to pay for rent and groceries with compliments”
A burst of microaggressions shattered what would regularly be an uneventful night at the Masquerade Bar in Capitol Hill last Friday, and ended in what Monterey Sheriff Adam Brody is calling “a miracle.”
Continue reading “Zero fatalities and 14 offended in microaggresion “miracle” standoff with local police”
I believe my child is invincible. There is someone up there watching over him.
Continue reading “Invincible”
Even now, years later, I still lose sleep over the greatest magic trick I’ve ever seen. Of the nearly 500 acts I’ve watched and dispelled in Hocus Pocus Focus, a twelve-part (and counting) anthology of how magicians have continued to fool us, it is the only one to elude me, the only truth that must somehow be a lie.
Continue reading “Blink”
The sad truth about cemetery work is also its saving grace – there will always be more bodies.
Continue reading “The Greenskeeper”
In the wake of the Godzilla 1999 disaster – the one relevant to my own life, not the one at the Hollywood box office – I soon developed rudimentary knowledge of the self. Although I was born quite cognizant of my superiority and eventual aspirations in this world, I think it took an excruciatingly extensive time out before I began questioning my existence within the context of other people.
Therefore, at the age of six, I took the next logical step in my metaphysical development, and found a love of country.
Continue reading “Confessions: The American Dream”