Zero fatalities and 14 offended in microaggresion “miracle” standoff with local police

A burst of microaggressions shattered what would regularly be an uneventful night at the Masquerade Bar in Capitol Hill last Friday, and ended in what Monterey Sheriff Adam Brody is calling “a miracle.”

At approximately 12:37 a.m., multiple police cars and SWAT teams armed with tear gas and nasty insults surrounded the bar after receiving four separate calls citing a drunk man spouting off a barrage of insensitive microaggressions.

“It was a nightmare,” said Masquerade Bar General Manager, Todd Gerlacher. “He just wouldn’t stop making people mildly uncomfortable. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The perpetrator, 22-year-old Rick Handley, claims he never meant to hurt anyone, and had this to say.

“I really don’t think I did anything wrong. For people to blow what I said this far out of proportion is absurd. I’m new in town and was simply trying to form common ground with new people.”

Amanda Nguyen, a 24-year-old regular patron of Masquerade Bar was the first to notice and phoned police shortly after he asked her where she was from.

“When it happened, I was completely in shock. I never thought in a million years something like this could happen to me,” Nguyen said. “Then, when I saw him asking similar questions to other people, I just knew I had to do something.”

Shortly after Handley’s initial microaggression, other witnesses who have asked to remain nameless for the sake of risking further questions also recount Handley saying things such as, “Do you speak Spanish?” and “I don’t even see race anymore.”

While most of the bar’s visitors fled the scene soon after Handley’s words with Nguyen, Handley reportedly continued to order two more rounds of drinks and didn’t seem to notice as police surrounded the popular weekend establishment.

Then, almost as quickly as it had begun, police rattled off the first of what would become a flurry of microaggressions at Handley to combat his offensiveness.

“It’s all a bit of a blur,” said deputy Clint Manswell. “I just remember hearing him start to mansplain something, and I couldn’t hold it back, so I just yelled ‘who else do you know here?!’”

This is the first time Manswell has used a microaggression during active duty, and he says he can retire happy if he keeps them in his holster for the rest of his career.

After nearly three minutes of police questioning Handley’s distaste for country music and his culturally appropriated dreadlocks, Handley finally surrendered and laid down his offensiveness.

“I just walked outside and they immediately put me into cuffs,” Handley said. “I didn’t even know what the hell was happening.”

This is only the seventh mass-shooting of microaggressions in Monterey since police started tracking the illicit activity in 2015, but the trend seems to be climbing exponentially, and there have been more microaggressions in the past six months than during any other period.

“It’s certainly something we’re looking into and trying to mitigate,” said Brody. “I think we need to educate people further on the legislation, and people need to be aware that this is something we’re actively enforcing.”

As of this writing, all victims are stable and have been released by Monterey General Hospital.



*This article was written for humor*



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