Third string QB Wallace wins on homecoming night after parent’s berating is finally heard

Jonny Wallace might have been the game-winning quarterback at Northwest Catholic’s Homecoming game against Bowerton this Friday with three touchdowns, 491 yards passing, and 210 yards rushing, but the Cornhuskers are crediting a different Wallace with the win.

Mike Wallace, Jonny’s father, has been to every single game in Jonny’s career, and of those 274 games, Mike has been ejected from 229.

“My dad gets kind of intense during games,” said Jonny after the win. “He likes to scream a lot and tell me how to play.”

Despite Jonny’s place as third string quarterback, he found himself in the pocket on Friday after a disastrous tackle tore the ACL of starting QB Ace Flannigan and second string QB Moses Brandon fell to an asthma attack. With what his coach referred to as a “royal pounding” of a stat-line, Jonny’s teammates say he finally listened to his dad.

“Every game, Mr. Wallace will tell Jonny to pull his head out of his ass, straddle the bench if he loves it so much, or be someone’s water bitch,” said punt returner Raj Towner. “I think for a long time, Jonny wasn’t hearing him or something.”

Late in the third quarter, with the Cornhuskers down 21-35, Jonny lined up in shotgun formation at the 31-yard line for second down.

“I remember looking at my coach hitting on our cheerleaders, and then looking at my dad and hearing him say, ‘stop being such a little wimp and throw the goddamn ball,'” said Jonny. “I usually can’t hear my dad over the game, but once I did I knew what I had to do.'”

With a blitzing offense, Jonny managed to elude pressure and cut to the outside where he pegged a sprinting Shamus O’Callahagn right in the numbers for his first touchdown of the night.

Amidst a conflagration of Cornhusker cheers, head coach Danno Petersen kept the third stringer in for the remainder of the game.

“His dad has been right this whole time. Look, the kid’s a square, but I always knew he had the potential to quit the weak-ass ballerina shit like his dad always tells him to,” said Petersen.

In the following quarter and a half of play, Wallace continued to break tackles, hurdle defenders, and print the ball into the hands of every open receiver.

“I’ve always been about positive encouragement. I love my son,” said Mike. “I just wish he would stop dancing around out there and actually do something sometimes, so it was good to know the piece of shit can actually hear me out there, ‘cuz you bet your ass I worked harder than that when I played.”

The Cornhuskers walked away 4-1 on the season and play the Kentonwood Oilers next Friday. Bowerton left the field 2-3, and looks to play the Draymount Savages.



*This article was written for humor*




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