Stacey Abernathy, a sophomore at Chapel Summit College of Liberal Arts, won the lawsuit against her logic professor, Dr. Michael Michaelson, after campus officials accepted his resignation and agreed to meet her demands this afternoon.
After citing misconduct for not agreeing with her stance on taking extra steps to ramp up attendance by her female peers, Abernathy formed a list of demands from Michaelson, all of which were agreed to be met by the Department of Logic and Reason.
“Dr. Michaelson’s blatant disregard for how many female students take his class is appalling and he needs to be removed to make the class more equitable,” Abernathy said. “I just don’t understand why he doesn’t make a change.”
While Abernathy’s plight has become a much contended debate at the university for the past few months, campus officials decided to award Abernathy everything in her list of requirements including (but not limited to) the following:
- Michaelson’s swift resignation
- A new Porsche for her victimization during the complaint process
- A 4.0 GPA for her classes this semester
Michaelson, however, maintains that he is in the moral right despite being removed from the teaching position he’s held for over 15 years.
“My 20 person class is 95% male. For Abernathy to expect that more females will come to class and engage in conversation is nonsensical,” Michaelson said. “It’s simple numbers. I can’t change who signs up to learn and who doesn’t. You can’t be truant if you don’t register.”
However, despite her victory, Abernathy has chosen to continue her lawsuit and take it further.
“Now that I’ve won, it’s like people think this whole ordeal is over,” Abernathy said. “It’s not. I need a new way for people to hear me and I think that my new list of demands will help achieve that goal. People need to know that what’s happening here and what’s happening to me isn’t okay.”
Although currently in the drafting stages, Abernathy’s new list includes a building named after her, a 3000% increase in the number of Instagram followers, and for Dr. Michaelson to do her laundry on a bi-weekly basis.
Campus officials have not yet decided what their next motions will be, but are hopeful for a positive outcome.
“We really want to make Abernathy happy, to put her struggle at the forefront of our discussions of our identity as a university, and to make sure Ms. Abernathy feels safe, respected, and at the center of our attention,” said Hugh Fondain, Director of Student and Campus Affairs. “If you see something you think is wrong, complain about it, and make it about yourself as much as possible, you’re definitely learning — that’s what this college is about.”
*This article was written for humor*