With only hours before the end of Super Tuesday’s voting period, Hillary Clinton overcame her stage fright and gave a shocking announcement to the nation this afternoon.
“I have a small penis,” Clinton said. “It’s no longer something I’m afraid to admit, and the minority group of people with small penises is one I’m happy to stand up for.”
Many in the bulging press conference room were stunned, and some even vomited at the news. The vast majority of crowd, however, cheered and showed extended support. Even Republican candidate Donald Trump applauded Clinton’s boldness.
“It was so great of her to get so pumped up even if I’m better than her at having a small penis,” said Trump. “If it were me, I’d take all the small penises from China. I love small penises. I have the best small penises. Believe me folks, I have a small penis. Bigly.”
Clinton further explained at the press conference that having a small penis is something she is proud of, and something she can’t wait to debate with fellow democratic candidate Bernie Sanders provided he uses the correct tone.
“I think having a tiny dick is a privilege, and as minuscule as my wiener is, the group I am a part of is even smaller and it needs someone at its head. I can be that head,” said Clinton. “I think Senator Sanders doesn’t understand that — he’s more an average-joe kind of person, a six-inch Sam if you will.”
Critics, on the other hand, remain suspicious of her member as she failed to specify its length, girth, or show pictures from her email. A large polling of both Republicans and Democrats also reflected this suspicion, with an overwhelming 69% seeing her announcement as an attempt to garner a greater constituency through identifying with yet another marginalized group.
“She’s already told us she regularly carries around hot sauce in her bag,” said one anti-Clinton protester. “Next she’ll tell us she’s a Martian so that any Mark Watney’s out there will be sure to check her box on voting day.”
Since the topic of her penis went public, however, Clinton has continued to promise it is everything the people think it is and hopes people will simply take her word.
“I know people think I go with the popular or sometimes minority consensus on many issues, but rest assured, I will not be soft on those in Congress or premature in my decision making,” Clinton declared in a press release. “This election season has been really hard for me, but the size of the question ‘who will be the next president’ is something you cannot measure. Through thick and thin, I will remain firm and stand up for everyone in this country.”
*This article was written for humor*